I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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