come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
