So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i now understand why vodka
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
