Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
