Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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