The maid of honor just puked.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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