New invention idea: vibrating tampons
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
