I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We are all done wearing pants today
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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