Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
