I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
