I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
