you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
