We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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