Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
