Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize