i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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