SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
