by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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