My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
