I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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