Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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