you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
