we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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