Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
