Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
