no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
