Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
