So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
