Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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