I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dick very happy bro
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
