remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
