Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
