I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
