I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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