so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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