someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
