He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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