i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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