i love accidental penises.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
