I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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