I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
