Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
