rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
