so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
