Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
