My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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