I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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