the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
