So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
