omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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