Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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