gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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