I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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