the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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