Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize