Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
