Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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