I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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