Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
