So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why can't burritos get me drunk
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
