She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
