Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
