this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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