I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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