I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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