yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
