From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
