The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
