He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
