I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
